I Have A Novel To Share

[thewimpykid]

For years, I have had a passion for creative writing and have written a whole bunch of novels. When I found this section of the TTV message boards, I thought maybe I could share one of my novels on here.

The novel that I’m going to share is titled Playtime. I wrote it about a year ago, when I was up at my college’s spring semester. The novel Playtime revolves around a 14-year-old boy named Hunter Brooks whose father is an inventor, and he creates a machine that can scan its surroundings and create a new dimension based off of what it scans. Trouble arises when Hunter’s little brother and sister get their hands on the machine and accidentally use it to scan their massive toy collection. Hunter finds himself inside a dimension where all of his siblings’ toys have came alive (think Jumanji meets The Lego Movie).

Like most of my novels, I’m hoping to get this one published one day. So I’m hoping that, when I have posted every chapter, you guys can give me feedback on the story that I have written. I’m only gonna upload one chapter at a time, since the message boards probably have some kind of character limit. (next post will be chapter 1).

[Vexus_Prime]

Dear thewimpykid,

My colleagues and I have just finished a reading of the first chapter from your debut novel “Playtime”. We have come to the conclusion that it is really quite flawed. The main complaint we had was the consumption of soup with a fork as seen here and here:[quote=“thewimpykid, post:2, topic:50934”]
The Brooks family had chicken noodle soup for dinner.
[/quote]

@thewimpykid

Hunter’s mom put down her fork.

As you might be aware, soup, especially that of the “Chicken Noodle” variety, is typically liquidus. One typically consumes this type of food with the utensil known as a spoon. However, your characters do not. We are quite concerned your characters will become malnourished by not consuming soup with the proper tools.

In addition, my colleagues and I are also very concerned that a 13-year-old spent 6 months in prison, for shoplifting a bag of chips worth approximately $1.00 USD plus tax. It would have been much more believable if he spent 11.78 years in prison instead.

We also found that the tenses were quite hard to follow, as the narrative swapped from first to third-person narration multiple times, as seen here:

@thewimpykid

“Well, yeah,” I said. “I’ve been doing horribly in math lately. There’s no way I’m gonna pass that test.”

“Do you have a study guide?”

“Even if I did, it wouldn’t do any good,” said Hunter.

We look forward to reading the next chapter, and hope you do not publish this work in it’s current form.

Sincerely yours,

• The Conglomerate

P.S We do not believe you are in college.

[thewimpykid]

Well, interesting feedback.

@Vexus_Prime

your debut novel “Playtime”

This is actually not my debut novel. I wrote a whole bunch of novels before this one.

@Vexus_Prime

My colleges and I

I’m a little unclear what you mean by this. Are you meaning to say “colleagues?” Because if actual colleges are reading this…then wow.

@Vexus_Prime

As you might be aware, soup, especially that of the “Chicken Noodle” variety, is typically liquidus. One typically consumes this type of food with the utensil known as a spoon.

@Vexus_Prime

We also found that the tenses were quite hard to follow, as the narrative swapped from first to third-person narration multiple times, as seen here:

My bad. Thanks for pointing out these inconsistencies.

@Vexus_Prime

In addition, my colleges and I are also very concerned that a 13-year-old spent 6 months in prison, for shoplifting a bag of chips worth approximately $1.00 USD plus tax. It would have been much more believable if he spent 11.78 years in prison instead.

My goal with this setup was for the main character to do something that wasn’t a huge felony (such as killing a person or vandalizing private property) but bad enough that he’d have reason to worry. However, you seem to be suggesting that I made a factual error in what his punishment would be. Granted, a 13-year-old spending 11.78 years in prison for shoplifting doesn’t seem that believable to me, but you clearly know more about this matter than I do, so I’m not gonna argue.

@Vexus_Prime

We look forward to reading the next chapter, and hope you do not publish this work in it’s current form.

1.) I never said I will publish this novel in its current form. Part of the reason I’m posting it on here is to get feedback, which you have given me. To that end, I thank you.

2.) Chapter 2 was already posted. I don’t know if you read it, but…it’s there, and the next chapter will come soon. What intrigues me, however, is that in your opening paragraph, you said the first chapter was quite flawed, and towards the end, you tell me you look forward to the next chapter. I will not complain, because if you’re looking forward to the next chapter, then that’s a good sign.

@Vexus_Prime

P.S We do not believe you are in college.

Why is that? Is it because of the typos you observed in my writing? Because I am telling the truth when I say I’m in college.

Nonetheless, thanks for giving me feedback. Since you seem to enjoy combing over my work, I’ll get the subsequent chapters out soon.

[Traykar]

Nah, he’d spend at most up to 2 months in jail for petty larceny, that as well as a $500 fine.

[thewimpykid]

Two months in jail and a $500 fine for shoplifting. I was pretty uncertain about that when I was writing this novel. THNX for clearing that up.